I want to let you into a more vulnerable space and something that seems meaningless, yet to me has felt significant since a young age: my hair! Why is this important? Because for me this has been a heart journey since I was really young. Since realising this, I actually believe there is a lot that can be reflected in our hair, it is our covering, our identifier, our beauty, our wisdom.
When I was younger, I dreamed of long hair. I would weep every time I went to get my hair cut, wishing they wouldn’t chop so much off, wishing my hair would grow quicker. I always wanted it to be something that it wasn’t – long and blonde, like in my imagination. Yet it felt unattainable. Then I decided to instead “speak life” over my hair, believing that one day it could and would become like that in my vision. I knew that if it did, it could only be God, because nothing was working in my own strength. Over the years I watched as I it began to miraculously grow. I watched as my dreams and declarations came true. My hair grew longer and longer.
Due to having short hair for so long, it was as if I couldn’t even recognise that my hair was “long” at the time. I also noticed that when it would grow, my aim was to keep it as long as possible even if it looked unhealthy at the time. However, I slowly began to realise that it’s healthier for your hair to be cut often! Every time it gets cut it grows back longer. A sweet friend began to cut it for me, Shontalee Cruz, and while going to regular hair cuts over the last year and a bit it was as if the past pains of going to the hair dresser began to fade away. I noticed I walked away with joy in my heart and a fresh cut each time and enjoyed the process of realising each time it was cut back it would grow back stronger. It was healing for me (I know that sounds crazy – but this resembled so much more than just hair to me!) So I began to get it cut more regularly and it began to improve its condition.
However, for the past year I have felt a whisper inside asking if I would give up my hair and cut it off. At the time I really didn’t feel I could do it and that in itself was an indicator to me that too much identity and control was in my hair. I sat on the idea and conviction for a year and realised that it would be something I would need to do soon. Thankfully the journey has been a super gentle and slow process of preparing my heart. But just this week something switched inside me and while looking in the mirror one day I heard my heart whisper again to me: “it’s time to chop those dead ends off!”. It was as if I knew they couldn’t be there any longer and HAD to GO! What I love about this moment is that I had a year of preparation, knowing that this was coming soon, before I made an overnight decision (I had originally wanted to shave my head in 2019, but not that brave!!).
I have felt this strong need to cut back, to cut loose, to surrender my idea of “my dreams” for “His dreams” and to place my whole identity where it belongs: in God’s hands. If anything is in the way of that I have discovered true freedom gets blocked. Surrendering control and laying down the very dream I had as a young girl is a scary yet brave thing to do I realised. Laying down the dreams I wished for, longed for and envisioned. Then in receiving them, having to lay the dream down again. Yes that’s right. And I did it! I laid it down, cut it back and found the Love of my heart to be sweeter, better and more redemptive than I could dream. He loves me for me and not the version of me that I think is lovable.
“HE IS IN CONTROL, NOT ME. WOW!”
He has my beauty. He has my heart. He deserves it all….even my hair!
So here we go!! It has GONE! I wept throughout the hair cut. But this time it wasn’t with sadness but JOY! JOY that he cuts back in order to create space and allow what’s already there to get stronger. I had a deep and wild encounter as Shontalee cut it for me. She was crying over me too as the Lord ministered to my heart throughout the whole process. With every snip I could feel the significance of it. As if every dead end was dropping to the floor. With every brave moment and every clear cut conversation, the Lord has been making space for NEW LIFE to spring forth! New layers of joy. No more control. I felt I got to see a glimpse of who I really am. The real me. My hair has seen moments, memories and breakthrough. But it was dropping to the floor and I couldn’t contain the JOY I felt. DEEP JOY!
The length it is now reminds me of how my hair was years ago, during a tough season of my life. However this time it’s healthy hair, springing back with its waves and natural curls! I feel I am coming alive again! In a whole new way. It’s like I am seeing a whole new me in the mirror. Fully alive. As it was being cut it was SO freeing. It was as if with every snip, control was breaking off. I’ve never felt more out of control yet so trusting of the one who was in control and deeply loves me! I could feel it was a preparation for this next season that he’s got for me. He’s got me. I’m his beauty. Fully me. No matter what I look like. It was such a stunning process, I was blown away. I got more cut off than both of us even expected. But that felt like it was meant to be! This is wild. It’s like God’s taken me back to how it used to always be and now this time I get to choose to love it and not constantly desire it to be something it’s not! I get to embrace this new covering…with new space to breathe and be. I am “weightless”!!
Crazily enough, for the first time after the cut, when I looked in the mirror I thought to myself “you are beautiful”. But it wasn’t so much about my outer appearance, it was as if my mind and heart recognised my inner beauty. The beauty found in the depth of freedom and liberation from control. The inner beauty of joy. I felt His personal pleasure over myself which was huge for me as this has been a big journey for me of fighting for freedom and learning to love who I am. I truly think it’s one of the first times where I believed deep in my heart that I am beautiful. Over the years I have declared truth over myself, but not necessarily always believed it. But this time I did! Only now am I realising how much I’ve struggled to believe that about myself. I feel like a new woman! I can see clearly. The tangled ends, dead ends, and dreams of when I was young have gone and left me with clear, clean cut, fresh, bouncy hair. I didn’t do this for a good look, but for freedom! This is one of the most empowering and liberating things I’ve done!
“Breakthrough happens on the other side of bravery”Ella Hooper (my amazing mentor always says this and it is unbelievably true!)
I feel as if the themes within this moment and story are not only significant for me. That is why I wanted to share it, as I believe there are others who might read this that have been yearning for personal breakthroughs in areas you have been facing a battle: of lost dreams, hopelessness, control, fear, and desire for a shift in perspective and life? (just to name a few). I believe that there is a gift in my story for you. As testimony can become prophesy. I believe that there is an invitation for you today to receive the courage to cut off things from your life that have not been producing good fruit but might feed a hearts desire; a breaking off of control; breakthrough into true, unashamed beauty; cutting back so you can grow stronger; bringing new starts and creating space; letting go of dreams and trusting God with them; surrender of ambition and vision for the vision of heaven; brave steps leading to breakthrough; stripped back to the truth of who we are; redemptive healing of past painful seasons; claiming the new; new layers of unexpected joy and encounter; letting go of our image with radical obedience; breaking fear of man off and what others think; eyes and ears on the opinion of the King!
IT IS TIME TO CUT OFF DEAD ENDS AND TRUST GOD WITH THE END RESULT.
No more paths leading to death. It’s a new start and one where he is asking us to bravely step into the unknown and not to step back to paths that are familiar and safe. We are born to risk our reputation, our appearance, our identities for the sake of wild freedom, uncontainable joy and deep contentment. He is in the process of bringing deep healing and radical redemption. We just get to trust Him and His heart!
Cutting back = stronger.
Got to let go of the dead things to make space for the new.
LET GO OF CONTROL.
Letting go of dreams.
Claiming the new.
Got to let go of our image.
Breaking fear of man.
He sees me as beautiful.
New things are on the other side of bravery.
Fresh waves. New curls.
Back to who we are. First design.
Letting Him lead and have the reigns.
I feel beautiful for the first time. Feel permission to celebrate and embrace my beauty simply as it is.
CUTTING OFF DEAD ENDS!!